


Bittersweet Nostalgia

by amymaria



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Friends to Lovers, M/M, Pining, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-24
Updated: 2017-10-24
Packaged: 2019-01-22 15:44:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,752
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12485112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amymaria/pseuds/amymaria
Summary: Josh is sad and in need of love.





	Bittersweet Nostalgia

Josh ran his fingers along the rough bumps and dips of the red brick wall next to his bed, all the while keeping his eyes focused on his own movements. If he could focus his eyes at all. He was having a hard time being able to see due to the unshed tears. He couldn't cry. Instead, he had this float-like feeling coursing through his whole body, and not the kind where everything is sunshine and rainbows. No. This was like whatever rope that was tethering him to the ground had been severed, and now Josh was left with no sense of direction, only slowly losing touch with reality.  
What really sucked was that the whole day he'd had to deal with this tight feeling in his chest, causing his back to ache and energy levels drop. This was only while he'd been at college, in a class room surrounded by people he hardly knew, and artwork way better than his; it hurt for him to look at because he'd compare his own oil paintings to theirs and realise he could never reach that standard. And although he should feel elated now that the week's break had arrived, he only felt the opposite. What was Josh to do now? Who had he to see? His family wouldn't want to see him- or rather, what family he had left. Most had stopped contact during his childhood and quite a few had passed away. Some he never even met. And as for his sister and his mother? He'd moved out, for his own personal reasons, and so seeing them was something for occasions.  
I suppose Josh had his friends that he could see and spend time with. Not that the boy had many, no, but his best friend Tyler was always happy to see him. And as time ticked slowly by, Josh repeatedly glanced at his phone, sometimes only locking it straight away, other times to open his last conversation with Tyler, debating whether to text or not.  
Perhaps looking at his art homework would help to pass time that evening, until he felt tired enough to sleep. But then the boy remembered that the tasks revolved around conceptual art, an area that Josh couldn't understand. He'd rather draw portraits, focusing on emotions created in his chaotic black lines, than say, stick a urinal sideways and place it on a plinth. He stared at one his drawings now. The wall facing him and his bed was covered in these drawings, all ranging from semi-abstract (such as the abnormally skinny figure with scribbles coming out of his head and heart) to more realistic (such as Evan Peters' portrait, which some friends had recognised straight away, to Josh's delight) and all with a level of uneasiness to them. "It's to scare off any visitors," Josh would tell his friends.  
His friends. The ones he should text. Say "hey, wanna hang out?". Yet he couldn't do it. Josh couldn't because they probably didn't want to see him. They had better lives; they had a family to go home to and spend time with watching a film together or eating a roast dinner their mum's had made them, and showing each other how much they care about each other by giving one another hugs and kisses. So, no, Josh wasn't going to message them. He's allowed to pity himself if he wants. And he knows he's not the only one who suffers; there are plenty of others like him out there. But he still dreams of a life he can't have. He even read the original Peter Pan book last night and cried because he too wanted a mother, and if he cant have that, then he wanted Peter Pan. He wanted that boy to take him to Neverland and spend forever having adventures.  
The only person who came close to this dream of his, was Tyler. Tyler was Josh's real life Peter Pan. The comparison stretched because Pan was Josh's first childhood crush. Tyler was his second.  
The sweetest memory Josh has is of the two together, chatting on a swing chair in Tyler's old back-garden, the summer that they were ten years old. Neither had known each other longer than a month, so this was quite early into their friendship. Josh remembers how calm and quiet it had been with pale pink and blue clouds above them; the sun had just set. What Josh can't remember is what they had been talking about (they'd probably had been planning one of their make-believe games for them to play the next day). Tyler's parents and siblings had been out of sight; neither in the garden nor in the windows of his house. Even so, the boy had taken Josh's hand in his with a glint in his eye, and pulled Josh towards the small wooded shed at the back of the garden. Neither spoke. It had felt like something from a fairy-tale and neither wanted to spoil it. Once they had both entered, Tyler had given a small smile before bringing them both close and pecking Josh on the cheek. It was so perfectly innocent that even to this day, it made Josh smile. The kiss had been followed by another peck, this time to Josh's lips, now that Tyler knew Josh was okay with it. And Josh quickly followed it with a peck of his own. Then they'd both walked out hand in hand towards Tyler's house for what current-day-Josh presumed was supper- he's not sure because the rest didn't matter to him.  
The memory was bittersweet, and that was Josh's favourite emotion in all honesty. Bittersweet nostalgia. That fondness over something that once was. It both made the boy smile, as well as bring a tear to his eye. The feeling was only emphasised when he compared it to rest of his and Tyler's friendship. And that was because nothing had developed afterwards. If anything, the two had taken a step back, and that pained Josh's poor heart terribly. He would have happily pursued a romantic relationship with Tyler, but the latter had acted like their shared kisses never happened. Josh failed to bring it up, and time only caused his courage to weaken. At least they were friends, the boy would tell himself.  
A sudden ding had caused Josh to break free of his thoughts and found that said friend had messaged him, allowing Josh to breath a sigh of relief. His phone lit up with the text "Hey dude! Will you let me in? Sorry, for not giving you warning but I wanted to hang out".  
Panic had then filled Josh once his temporary relief subsided. His room was a mess. Tyler would surely judge him for the state of his room. Clothes were screwed up all over, loose sheets were scattered and random objects were left out of place, all creating this chaotic image before the boy. Perhaps it would make a good contemporary art piece: 'The bedroom of a boy'.  
Josh shook his head whilst sending a quick "Sure thing" before making a brief attempt at clearing his room. Within two minutes the room already looked slightly tidier, and Josh couldn't have Tyler waiting any longer or he'd become suspicious, so Josh left his room in order to press the buzzer for his friend to get through the door.  
"Took you long enough" Tyler called up, his voice echoing slightly in the cold stair well.  
"Sorry, I needed to get dressed." This wasn't a lie. Josh was in fact, still currently slipping a shirt on as Tyler made his way upstairs, and had only just pulled on a pair of jeans before leaving his room.  
Once Tyler became visible, the two smiled at each other in greeting and proceeded to Josh's room.  
Josh couldn't help but sigh internally at the sight of his best friend. There was no other way of saying it, Tyler was beautiful. Every part of him Josh adored, and yet he had no ability to express this to him as Josh glanced up and down Tyler's figure. The socks made Josh smile. Red. Inspired by the film, 'The Truman Show', they both watched once together. Tyler had tweeted straight after watching it: "i love jim carrey. he helped raise me." followed by an image of the man looking through a peephole in that very film.  
"Nice room," Tyler commented before the two got comfy sitting on Josh's bed.  
"Yeah, sorry it's a little messy." Josh replied, scratching the back of his neck, his eyes turned towards his brick wall again. He could see it this time.  
"It's cool, don't worry 'bout it. Look, Josh, I erm, came here because I wanted to talk to you." Oh God what had Josh done? Did Tyler not like him? Not want to be friends anymore? "Hey! Hey, Josh look at me, take deep breaths. It's nothing bad about you okay? It's okay." Once Josh had calmed down and was now making eye contact, his friend continued, albeit nervously, "I just wanted to let you know... how I feel about you... I urm, I've felt like this since I met you. Gosh this is cheesy. I don't want this to sound cliche, but Josh I've liked you since we first became friends. And I've always repressed these feelings because my family figured it out and they aren't the most supportive in this area. I'm so sorry it's taken me years to finally tell you. And yeah, I understand if you feel grossed out and would like me to leave immediately. But I've been wrestling with the idea of letting you know all day because I can't keep this secret any longer. Can you just let me know if you're okay with this- with me liking you? As more than friends?"  
Tyler waited, looking up at Josh with big round eyes, filled simultaneously with hope and doubt. This wasn't real. Josh had been reliving memories for too long and now his mind had conjured up this hallucination as a way of dealing with the loneliness; that was Josh's only explanation to the confession he'd just received.  
But what if it was real?  
"Tyler," he choked out, "I really like you too". And god, did they both feel so happy. Tyler then kissed his friend, just a small peck on the lips, as if they were still ten years old.  
Josh was floating again, and this time, it was the good kind of floating.

**Author's Note:**

> "Oh God what had Josh dun?" ayyyyyy anyone else think that when they read it ? haha.  
> it might have been a bit cringey in places but anyways a lot of this I wrote about me, like a diary I guess, but I called myself Josh. So this is my most personal piece of creative writing so far but I'd also say the most detailed.  
> kudos and comments are appreciated! hope you enjoyed reading.


End file.
